In January, Hubby and I found out we were expecting our fourth blessing. A complete surprise! We weren’t even living in the same state at the time while building our new home. Because of my past preterm labor issues, I knew I was now looking at weaning my baby. And processing the guilt I felt.
I nursed Fletcher for 27 months. At first glance, it seems positively silly for me to feel guilty for nursing only 27 months. But weaning brought up so many past emotions from past nursing experiences that I hadn’t been ready to face previously.
I nursed Henry, my first, for 15 months. I nursed my second, Maxwell, for 14 months. I nursed Fletcher for 27 months. That makes 56 months total. 4.6666 years of breastfeeding. I was baffled that I felt guilt for weaning my baby.
Weaning My Baby – Why the Guilt?
As I looked at Fletcher those last few nursing sessions, I was struck by his growth. In the past 10 months, he has grown 5 full inches. He is tall and a little stocky. Vastly different from my other two tiny kids. Just three pounds separate Fletcher and Maxwell with 19 months between them in age. I looked at Fletcher’s intellect. All three of my boys are bright, but Fletcher seems to be picking up on the details of things much younger than the others. I looked at his health – hardly an illness beyond a simple cold or a quick tummy bug while the other two have had some scary illnesses including pneumonia and MRSA.
Was I feeling guilty about Fletcher? It seems I wasn’t. I felt guilty about not nursing the other two longer. The guilt I battled after my struggles nursing Henry in the beginning when he was eating mostly formula had resurfaced. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had let Max and Henry down by weaning them before their second birthdays. I felt like the pregnancies that lead to weaning were selfish, though they were not planned. The hormonal shift of pregnancy and weaning caused me to start down the road of depression again.
But, the reality was that I was pregnant again. We were being blessed once again. I wasn’t weaning a newborn. I was weaning a two-year-old. A two-year-old that I kept nursing even after I felt I was ready to be done out of guilt.
Weaning isn’t easy no matter when it happens. Hormones and even our past baggage can add to the stress. So can a baby or child who doesn’t want to give up the na-na’s.
But you know what?
It’s a unique opportunity to work through and heal from past issues. It’s an opportunity to find new ways to bond with and parent your child. It’s the beginning of a new phase of life.
We’ve been done nursing for three months now. On three occasions, Fletcher came back to the breast to calm down when he was beside himself upset. It felt weird. I was done. Very done. I didn’t want to keep nursing him. I had closure. We now excitedly await the arrival of our first baby girl and the beginning of our nursing relationship.
By all means, if you are struggling with guilt or depression, take it seriously. Talk with someone. Get help. You deserve to be emotionally healthy. Your baby deserves to have a healthy mama. Please know that you aren’t alone. Release any guilt and embrace your growing relationship with your child. We are here for you.
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